What being non NT means in my opinion

[hollow]

So i went out tonight again to some family event. My family knows quite a lot of people so lots of people knew me there

I usually get welcomed warmly and even complimented sometimes

But there i am, shaking hands etc. and every single time it comes to chatting, even if it's just a few sentences i don't know what to say. I say cringe shit, or don't say anything at all and smile, or i'm about to say something, then stop and act like i didn't say anything

Then i just stand there completely out of place, not sure where to look. Whether i should look at people or just stare at the wall...

I am mentally not even in the state where i could care about girls for example cos i all think about is how i should act to appear "normal"