i feel like i betrayed myself

[Altruist]

The drinking/being fat can easily be addressed tbh. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it, you haven't done any permeant damage.

the fact remains that i've wasted years 22-32 of my life for absolutely nothing

I honestly cringe at people who constantly have to be busy 24/7 by filling up the day with nonsense bs. My dad is a perfect example of this with his compulsive renovating, but the alternative is staring at a monitor getting shitfaced and hating yourself

agree, and i don't intend (and, to be honest, i could never pull it off) to become one of those people. still, what i've been doing is just as pathetic

Seriously get a hobby or something. Could be literally fucking anything. Even something utterly mundane that you derive minimal enjoyment from. Sometimes I just sit in the pool and bask in the sun, or go to the gym and just use the massage chairs because I cbf working out. anything is better than drinking

i do have a hobby, it's just that it's developing my own system of legal notation and the legal theory in general, lmao. if someone opened my password-protected 4 gb of docoments or found dozens of notebooks filled with what looks like random scrabbling of dots, lines and symbols, they'd think i'm batshit insane