Paul the Apostle actually says that being single is ultimately better

[Honest]

Today I learned I'm going to heaven for not giving in to my ... earthly desires (I'm assuming masturbation is not a sin here)

The bar sure was set low

I wish I'll be able to remember this during the next social event I'm forced to aprtake in

Traditional Christian response would be that you've committed sexual immorality by looking at a woman with lust: 

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)

Furthermore, no Christian would claim that someone enters heaven solely because they died without having sex.