15-07-2025, 07:36 PM
I used to be textbook bdd when I joined. I was so insecure about my apperance.
It was a complex set of factors. On the one hand, I felt that I looked too weak and small and other hand I felt that I had "abnormalities".
At the same time, I fantasised about looking really good. The way a famous actor looks like, etc...
Plus, I had mommy issues and my mother always complimented my apperance in an extreme way and I felt like I had to conform to my mother's idea, etc...
So, I was in an extreme delusion. I felt like I basically was supposed to look like an extreme outlier beauty, but certain unfortunate traits were holding me back, such as a skull that's too small or a chin not big enough, etc...
What I couldn't do is accept a reality in which I looked "normal". I could only accept extremes. I either looked like an abnormal creature unworthy of life or an absolute chad.
I think my real issue was not looks, but masculinity. I felt that I didn't look like a man.
In reality, I didn't FEEL like a man, and I was worried that my apperance would reflect that. I thought I looked weak and childlike, but in reality I FELT weak and childlike.
It was simply a projection. I didn't like what my face was telling me.
As I began to realize that my looks were simply a reflection on my inner state, I started to see that the problem was my inner state and as I've "accepted" my inner state, I began to accept my looks.
I can now look at myself with curiosity. I do not feel these intense black and white emotions, when I look at myself.
I do however at times think that I look too good, as I have a low self esteem. I feel like a worthless failure, look in the mirror and do not see a worthless failure and get depressed.
Why? Because I am reminded that I wasted my time with looks obsession. Pure nonsense.
It was a complex set of factors. On the one hand, I felt that I looked too weak and small and other hand I felt that I had "abnormalities".
At the same time, I fantasised about looking really good. The way a famous actor looks like, etc...
Plus, I had mommy issues and my mother always complimented my apperance in an extreme way and I felt like I had to conform to my mother's idea, etc...
So, I was in an extreme delusion. I felt like I basically was supposed to look like an extreme outlier beauty, but certain unfortunate traits were holding me back, such as a skull that's too small or a chin not big enough, etc...
What I couldn't do is accept a reality in which I looked "normal". I could only accept extremes. I either looked like an abnormal creature unworthy of life or an absolute chad.
I think my real issue was not looks, but masculinity. I felt that I didn't look like a man.
In reality, I didn't FEEL like a man, and I was worried that my apperance would reflect that. I thought I looked weak and childlike, but in reality I FELT weak and childlike.
It was simply a projection. I didn't like what my face was telling me.
As I began to realize that my looks were simply a reflection on my inner state, I started to see that the problem was my inner state and as I've "accepted" my inner state, I began to accept my looks.
I can now look at myself with curiosity. I do not feel these intense black and white emotions, when I look at myself.
I do however at times think that I look too good, as I have a low self esteem. I feel like a worthless failure, look in the mirror and do not see a worthless failure and get depressed.
Why? Because I am reminded that I wasted my time with looks obsession. Pure nonsense.
