decided to change before it's too late

[Altruist]

Everytime i pick up my prescription and get money for alcohol i tell myself "this will be the day I finally hang myself"

in what sense? do you feel bad for caving in to your addict... needs or are you afraid you ll lose all inhibition and harm yourself/rope this time?

i find neither of those to be relatable; i could be robbed, crippled and raped in the morning and my reflection on that, after having picked up benzos or bought white wine in the evening, would be along the lines of:

"just lol at me even entertaining the possibility that what happened earlier today was a real problem. i need to chill"

that ritual is like real life "play again" feature for me