09-02-2024, 03:52 AM
Throughout my life, I have seen narrow-shouldered men, without a single exception, committinginnumerable stupid acts, brutalizing their fellows, and perverting souls by all means. They call themotive for their actions fame. Seeing these spectacles, I wanted to laugh like the others but Ifound that strange imitation impossible. I took a knife with a sharp steel cutting-edge on its bladeand slit my flesh where the lips join. For a moment I believed I had achieved my object. I lookedin a mirror at this mouth disfigured by an act of my own will It was a mistake! The blood flowingfrom the two wounds prevented me from discerning whether the laugh really was the same as theothers’. But after comparing them for a few moments I saw clearly that my laugh did notresemble that of human beings, i.e. I was not laughing at all. I have seen men, ugly men withtheir eyes sunk in dark sockets, surpassing the hardness of rock, the rigidity of cast steel, theinsolence of youth, the senseless rage of criminals, the falseness of the hypocrite, the mostextraordinary actors, the strength of character of priests, beings whose real character is the mostimpenetrable, colder than anything else in heaven or on earth; I have seen them wearing outmoralists who have attempted to discover their heart, and seen them bring upon themselvesimplacable anger from on high. I have seen them all now, the strongest fist raised towardsheaven, like a child already disobedient towards its mother, probably incited by some spirit fromhell, eyes full of the bitterest remorse, but at the same time of hatred; glacially silent, not daring toutter the vast ungrateful meditations hidden in their breasts, because those meditations were sofull of injustice and horror; I have seen them grieve the God of mercy in his compassion; andagain at the moment of the day, from their earliest childhood right up to the end of their old age, Ihave seen them uttering unbelievable anathemata, void of all common sense, against everythingwhich breathes, against themselves, and against Providence; prostituting women and children,thus dishonouring the parts of the body consecrated to modesty. Then, the waters of the seasrise up, engulfing ships in their bottomless depths; hurricanes and earthquakes level houses;plague and all kinds of diseases decimate families. But men do not realize this. I have seen themblushing, or turning pale for shame at their conduct on this earth—rarely. Tempests, sisters ofthe hurricanes; bluish firmament, whose beauty I refuse to acknowledge; hypocritical sea, imageof my own heart; earth, who hold mysteries hidden in your breast; the whole universe; God, whocreated it with such magnificence, it is thee I invoke; show me a man who is good...But at thesame time increase my strength tenfold; for at the sight of such a monster, I may die ofastonishment; men have died of less.
